To my friends,

Today is finally January 23, the day I move back to school for my second semester. I can't believe a month has actually gone by.

I spent break hanging out and catching up with friends from high school. Even though we've all spent a few months apart, doing our own thing and meeting new people, it was like nothing changed when we hung out. Except that we all have fun stories to exchange. :)

At first it was wierd being home for more than a week. It took some days getting used to waking up in a quiet house without having friends live next-door or a few floors above you. Overall, I enjoyed my time at home. It was good to spend time with friends and family. And as I procrastinate, not packing up my things, I kind of wish to stay a home a little longer. After waking up, I layed in my bed for a while just hoping that time would go by slow.

As I look at my STAC pollock and other high school things in my room, I am reminded of so many memories from STAC and from high school in general... The good memories and the not-so-good memories that are now funny ones. Without my high school friends, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So to all my friends from school and dance and home in general, thank you. I think I turned out alright :)

Even though Herricks has a place in my heart, it's time to start fresh. I can't bring Herricks to college, I can't bring my high school friends to college, I can't bring anyone or anything to college besides myself. For me, I need to learn how to start on a totally clean slate and to fill it up with things that are happening in the present and ideas that I have for the present and the future. I can't have my memories be the basis for what I do now.

Part of going to college is becoming more mature. For me, that means to handle bigger responsibilities, to manage my time well, and to fight for what I really want to do. If I learned anything from being at Pace so far it's to never take "no" for an answer. If I want to do something with my life, I will make it happen. But.. that's easier said than done. There are so many things I want to accomplish this semester! I just don't know where to begin or how to figure out the process of completing my goals. I guess that alone helps you become more of an adult.

Thoughts

What's been running through my mind the past few hours

Marketing director for a broadway show
Performer
The right school
The right school for theater
The right school for me
What is that right school
Will I ever know
Will I ever leave Pace University
Will I ever get what I want
Will I ever know what to do

The last thought hit me hard: will I ever know what to do. I figured this out last year in stac. I talk to friends and secretly have them tell me what to do. I dont know if secretly was the right word to use but it's what came to mind. I've been trying to figuring out how to stop doing this. It's gotten better but every time I find myself in a rut I find someone to tell me what to do.

Caring, caring, caring...

I've realized today how easy going I am. And I'm pretty sure that I've crossed the line to carelessness. I noticed how often I say "I don't care." Saying that has become second nature for me. In a previous post I mentioned that I didn't care when I lost "important" items that I use everyday. This got me thinking.. what do I care about?

I made a list (in no particular order):
1)My friends
2)My family
3)Me (my body/health, success, failures (not including losing things), goals, dreams, future)

After I created this listed, I learned that I care about my family and friend's health, success, failures, goals, dreams, and future plans. I believe that makes me a caring person. But if I am so caring why am I so careless? It's because the little things in life don't bother me. It doesn't make a difference what I do with friends. It doesn't make a difference what song I listen to. It even doesn't make a difference if I lose a set of keys, or a cell phone, or a meal card, or a wallet. Those little, unvaluable things are nothing compared to the big, meaningful ideas that make life so exciting and grand. Because if you didn't have anything like goals and dreams, what is the point?

People get so caught up in they daily routines that they care about those mundane tasks. So I'm asking you, reader, what do you really care about? Does it compare to the things you do or use everyday like a set of keys or a cell phone?

Thinking

Do some people think more than others? Or do some people make their thoughts more known than others?

"Relax!" "Chill out" Usually you'll say a phrase like those to tell people to stop "thinking too much" or "overthinking." But are they really overthinking? or are they publicizing more of their thoughts?

I think this goes hand-in-hand with blogging. If someone reads this they might think that I have way too much time on my hands so I think of every little thing possible. Or they could think that I have the balls to be blogging my thoughts. Yeah?

How do you even find out an answer to this? Or is this one of those questions that we might just never really answer just because it may seem so stupid.

Advising

People who give great advice, but can't follow it themselves. Yeah, you are probably thinking about one or two people who do this. We've all probably been guilty of this at some point. Why do we do this?

If you get complimented on the advice you've given, why don't you have a strength to follow it yourself? Is it because we don't want to bother with our own questions? I'm really not sure.

Is it a bad thing not to follow your own advice? I'm not sure. It's common amoung everyone. So does that make it okay?

Communication

I think that it's interesting that people will not apply rules to everyone. Why is that? Is it because of the different relationships we have with people? I caught myself doing this yesterday talking to a friend.. well not really. I sent a friend a text message I did not receive a reply. Did I wonder why I did not receive a reply? Yes. Do I always do this? No. It's a common thing to not receive a text message back. And it's not because you don't like the person who sent the message. It's just because.

Why is it that such a simple thing as communicating with people can turn into the biggest issue. I see this amoung friends, family, and other people. The way they phrase words or their tone of voice can through off a whole conversation to some people.

That's what I love about communication. Minor tweaks make the conversation intruiging to stay involved in.

That's what I hate about texting. As addicting as it is, phrasing can throw off the entire conversation becasue you are missing the tone of voice.

Or maybe I just think too much....

Time to Get Serious

Second semester seems like it will be busier for me: preparing for an audition, the actual audition, dance show, figuring out summer plans, SCHOOL, college application (again), work, and getting serious about what I want to persue. I figured with the audition coming up, it will be the best time to crack down and focus on what I actually want to do.

Easier said than done. I don't have as much access as theater majors do. Major disadvantage. But, I do have access to books and plays and previous teachers.

What I realized is that I am on my own no matter what. It doesn't matter how many friends that "understand" what you want to do, how many friends are persuing the same thing as you, or teachers that are helping you improve day after day. I am on my own. It is up to me and only me to get up off my ass and to be proactive. This calls for a serious Wall of Death...