starting-adult-life crisis.

Exciting news! I'll be declaring a BA Theater major for this upcoming semester. I couldn't be happier. After going through certain experiences, I want to study something else. Something that leads to a more financially stable job. Also, I like learning about different topics (thanks, STAC). But what topic? I've heard that a Communication major is somewhat pointless. I only took intro classes so it's hard to judge. The intro classes were, of course, pointless. Then I started thinking about a marketing major. Pace doesn't have an arts administration major so maybe with marketing and theater it would kind of be like one? Maybe I'm making this up. Maybe that idea is a load of crap. I'm so lost. Then I thought that if I declared two new majors then I wouldn't graduate on time. It would be an extra 1 or 2 semesters, which doesn't seem like a lot, but I would like to graduate May 2014. But then I don't have a love for business. I really don't know what to do. There's only so much advice I can get. This is one of those conflicts where I need to decide for myself. The difficulty of this hasn't changed since last year.. or the year before.. or the year before that. That's something else I need to figure out.

I get by with [a lot] of help from my friends.

The past month has really made me think about the people I befriended at Pace. I would never think I could meet so many great people. I was talking with one of my best friends here saying what an awesome group of people we've found. There not just fun to hang out with in the cafeteria or on weekends. They will stop what they are doing to help you out no matter how boring or simple the task is. They'll take care of you when you're sick. They'll break into your dorm building to give you soup when your ill. So to all my friends at Pace. You guys are some of the best people I've ever met.

My Way or the Highway

You can't always get what you want. You can't always expect things to go your way. For me, it's rare when something goes my way. I don't have much luck and plans always get changed. But that's life.

After today I told myself that I can't let something that didn't go my way bring me down. All I can do is appreciate what I got and do my best. That's it. This kind of goes back to me saying do what you need to get what you want. You can try as much as you can but it might not always work out your way. That's a little upsetting. Overall, all you can do is work your hardest and stand out. Everything will fall into place.

To my friends,

Today is finally January 23, the day I move back to school for my second semester. I can't believe a month has actually gone by.

I spent break hanging out and catching up with friends from high school. Even though we've all spent a few months apart, doing our own thing and meeting new people, it was like nothing changed when we hung out. Except that we all have fun stories to exchange. :)

At first it was wierd being home for more than a week. It took some days getting used to waking up in a quiet house without having friends live next-door or a few floors above you. Overall, I enjoyed my time at home. It was good to spend time with friends and family. And as I procrastinate, not packing up my things, I kind of wish to stay a home a little longer. After waking up, I layed in my bed for a while just hoping that time would go by slow.

As I look at my STAC pollock and other high school things in my room, I am reminded of so many memories from STAC and from high school in general... The good memories and the not-so-good memories that are now funny ones. Without my high school friends, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So to all my friends from school and dance and home in general, thank you. I think I turned out alright :)

Even though Herricks has a place in my heart, it's time to start fresh. I can't bring Herricks to college, I can't bring my high school friends to college, I can't bring anyone or anything to college besides myself. For me, I need to learn how to start on a totally clean slate and to fill it up with things that are happening in the present and ideas that I have for the present and the future. I can't have my memories be the basis for what I do now.

Part of going to college is becoming more mature. For me, that means to handle bigger responsibilities, to manage my time well, and to fight for what I really want to do. If I learned anything from being at Pace so far it's to never take "no" for an answer. If I want to do something with my life, I will make it happen. But.. that's easier said than done. There are so many things I want to accomplish this semester! I just don't know where to begin or how to figure out the process of completing my goals. I guess that alone helps you become more of an adult.

Thoughts

What's been running through my mind the past few hours

Marketing director for a broadway show
Performer
The right school
The right school for theater
The right school for me
What is that right school
Will I ever know
Will I ever leave Pace University
Will I ever get what I want
Will I ever know what to do

The last thought hit me hard: will I ever know what to do. I figured this out last year in stac. I talk to friends and secretly have them tell me what to do. I dont know if secretly was the right word to use but it's what came to mind. I've been trying to figuring out how to stop doing this. It's gotten better but every time I find myself in a rut I find someone to tell me what to do.

Caring, caring, caring...

I've realized today how easy going I am. And I'm pretty sure that I've crossed the line to carelessness. I noticed how often I say "I don't care." Saying that has become second nature for me. In a previous post I mentioned that I didn't care when I lost "important" items that I use everyday. This got me thinking.. what do I care about?

I made a list (in no particular order):
1)My friends
2)My family
3)Me (my body/health, success, failures (not including losing things), goals, dreams, future)

After I created this listed, I learned that I care about my family and friend's health, success, failures, goals, dreams, and future plans. I believe that makes me a caring person. But if I am so caring why am I so careless? It's because the little things in life don't bother me. It doesn't make a difference what I do with friends. It doesn't make a difference what song I listen to. It even doesn't make a difference if I lose a set of keys, or a cell phone, or a meal card, or a wallet. Those little, unvaluable things are nothing compared to the big, meaningful ideas that make life so exciting and grand. Because if you didn't have anything like goals and dreams, what is the point?

People get so caught up in they daily routines that they care about those mundane tasks. So I'm asking you, reader, what do you really care about? Does it compare to the things you do or use everyday like a set of keys or a cell phone?

Thinking

Do some people think more than others? Or do some people make their thoughts more known than others?

"Relax!" "Chill out" Usually you'll say a phrase like those to tell people to stop "thinking too much" or "overthinking." But are they really overthinking? or are they publicizing more of their thoughts?

I think this goes hand-in-hand with blogging. If someone reads this they might think that I have way too much time on my hands so I think of every little thing possible. Or they could think that I have the balls to be blogging my thoughts. Yeah?

How do you even find out an answer to this? Or is this one of those questions that we might just never really answer just because it may seem so stupid.

Advising

People who give great advice, but can't follow it themselves. Yeah, you are probably thinking about one or two people who do this. We've all probably been guilty of this at some point. Why do we do this?

If you get complimented on the advice you've given, why don't you have a strength to follow it yourself? Is it because we don't want to bother with our own questions? I'm really not sure.

Is it a bad thing not to follow your own advice? I'm not sure. It's common amoung everyone. So does that make it okay?

Communication

I think that it's interesting that people will not apply rules to everyone. Why is that? Is it because of the different relationships we have with people? I caught myself doing this yesterday talking to a friend.. well not really. I sent a friend a text message I did not receive a reply. Did I wonder why I did not receive a reply? Yes. Do I always do this? No. It's a common thing to not receive a text message back. And it's not because you don't like the person who sent the message. It's just because.

Why is it that such a simple thing as communicating with people can turn into the biggest issue. I see this amoung friends, family, and other people. The way they phrase words or their tone of voice can through off a whole conversation to some people.

That's what I love about communication. Minor tweaks make the conversation intruiging to stay involved in.

That's what I hate about texting. As addicting as it is, phrasing can throw off the entire conversation becasue you are missing the tone of voice.

Or maybe I just think too much....

Time to Get Serious

Second semester seems like it will be busier for me: preparing for an audition, the actual audition, dance show, figuring out summer plans, SCHOOL, college application (again), work, and getting serious about what I want to persue. I figured with the audition coming up, it will be the best time to crack down and focus on what I actually want to do.

Easier said than done. I don't have as much access as theater majors do. Major disadvantage. But, I do have access to books and plays and previous teachers.

What I realized is that I am on my own no matter what. It doesn't matter how many friends that "understand" what you want to do, how many friends are persuing the same thing as you, or teachers that are helping you improve day after day. I am on my own. It is up to me and only me to get up off my ass and to be proactive. This calls for a serious Wall of Death...

The Final Countdown..

Today officially starts 24-Hour Quiet Hours in the dorms which means that finals week has officially begun. Honestly, I'm not too worried about my finals. I was more worried about my grade for PiG than I am worried for my first college finals.

I'm pretty happy to be at home for a month. I'll most likely get bored easily because there is not much to do on Long Island, but I'll be happy to spend time with friends and family and to get away from Pace for a while. I won't be surprised if I go to the city a few times over break. Because what is there to do on Long Island? Really.

Carelessness

Is it bad that I didn't feel anything when I lost my keys? Is it bad that I didn't feel anything when I lose the T to the paddle I had to make for my big? Is it bad that I don't feel anything for the mistakes I make or how careless I have been lately?

365!

I am interested in blogging again. I am also thinking about starting a 365 (for real this time). Recently, I have been going through old pictures on facebook and memories have been flooding my mind. Every picture has a story behind it and I want to document the next 365 days so that after the 365 days has passed, I can then look back on my year to see how much I changed physically and emotionally.

Hello, Blog!

It's been quite some time since I made a blog post. My last post was the day I moved into my first dorm at Pace and a lot has changed since then. My first semester at college is almost over and I just started to feel setteled in while living in a dorm, at college, in the busiest, loudest, fastest city I know of.

Obviously, you gain responsibility when you move to college. I thought I was prepared for that: I know how to do my own laundry, I know my way around the city, I know how to save and not to spend money left and right, I know that there are consequences when I don't get my shit done, I know that it is helpful to be organized (still working on it :/).
Of course, I was quickly proven wrong. College is more than just staying on top of things, doing laundry, and hoping that you don't get cursed with the "Freshman 15." It's being on your own and surviving on your own.

I've heard teachers say "no one is going to hold your hand at college." I understood this. I was excited by this because I would make all the shots in my own life. At the same time, I thought that Mom and Dad would "hold my hand" because they were a quick phone call or text away. Nope - I was wrong, again. No one, at all, is there. You are basically living on your own with hundreds of other people who are living on their own.
It seems cool, I guess, to be this independent.
Honestly, I was shocked. I was not as prepared as I thought I would be. And I'm still working on the independent/responsibility role I have no option not to play.

I know that I will be able to handle all my responsibilities better as the year goes on.. I just wish that it didn't have to take as much time as it is taking.

move in day part 1

It's finally Sept. 4. The day I move into my dorm at Pace. It's so bizarre to think that I won't be going to Herricks. Even though I know I'm move farther away I still think I'm taking classes at Herricks. I've been hit with the realities about going to college: not seeing my grade and my friends as much as I'm used to, more responsibilities, etc. I've also realized that I might change. And that's a little scary. I've changed a little bit senior year and thought about what I liked and didn't like about it. Being around unfamiliar people is strange, too. But eventually the unfamiliar will become familiar.

I know I haven't been hit with all the realities. I have a feeling it will come in a short while.

Only 8 days left at home? Is this for real? I don't want the week to go by fast but I know it will. I still feel like there is so much more to do before I go.

Packing...

I've packed for tons of things before. But college? Obviously not. I havn't started packing yet but just thinking about it makes me confused. How much stuff to bring? How to pack it all? And moving all my stuff in the dorm.. September fourth will be a longgg day

365?

Some stacies have been doing 365s this summer and I've been thinking about starting one too! I'm not sure what to take pictures of though. Since I'll be living in the city, maybe I can take pictures of cool things I see. Since the city has so many pretty place and photo-opps :)
I am going to buy a digital camera because I actually want to start taking pictures myself and not relying on friends who take pictures all the time to put them of facebook (Becky =P). Anyone have any suggestions of what camera I should get?

So 365: city pics or pics of me?

I'm back!

Hey! I know that this was suppose to be a dailey practice but I got lazy during the summer. It's been a while and I thought that I it would be good to start blogging again.
Summer, so far, is going very well. I've been working a lot and relaxing. And after a busy school year, I am glad to have a lot of down time.
I move in my dorm on September 4th, which is pretty late for colleges. My first day of class is the 8th. I don't understand the point of starting the either because Pace cancelled evenging classes that day and they cancelled classes on Thursday for Rosh Hashannah. I know that Pace will be a lot of fun. I know that I will make friends. I know that Pace is a "great school." But to be honest I don't feel like I'm ready to go yet. I'm not even confident that Pace is the perfect fit for me. I've said ever since I put in my deposit at Pace that I will tranfer to Muhlenberg. I love Muhlenberg and I am confident that it is a perfect fit for me. Of course I will go into Pace with an open mind. Of course I will have fun - I'm living in new york city!

If anyone doesn't know by now, I am a big John Mayer fan. I've seen him twice in concert, and have a sight unhealthy obsession with his music because I think it is so great. I was listening to his song "Hummingbird" on youtube and a person posted a comment that I really liked. I wanted to share it with you.

"...His music is pretty much the soundtrack of my life. I
absolutely love him, and I don't care what he does in his
private life, you shouldn't mix that with his music.
Just enjoy it, he's amazing."

John Mayer does have some messed up... things.. But he makes great music.